Growing Up

The way in which we duplicate decisions from others when we’re growing up has always fascinated me. I have come across so many decisions I’ve incorporated into my psyche,  which have served me greatly and some have hindered me and my growth.

One such bad decision I installed was about allowing myself to do things that I enjoyed doing.  When I was quite young, I was sitting on the couch with a group of people that were close to me. They were commenting on the success of someone else, who was on the T.V. The bloke on the T.V. was quite successful and was also arrogant about it. Even though there was an arrogance to him, the bloke seemed happy and like he enjoyed the life he led.

While watching the T.V. and sitting on the couch, I noticed a part of me wanted to be successful, I wanted to do something great and also something I enjoyed. It seemed like it would be a life well spent and I would enjoy doing it. I wanted to be just like this bloke.

I was brought out of my revere by the reaction of those around me. It was an emotional and visceral condemnation of him and everything he stood for. I noticed hate in some of those around me. I thought, how could you hate this guy, isn’t it obvious he’s living a good life? As I watched, everyone around me agreed that the bloke was a complete flog and a piece of shit.

I then felt fear. The feeling I got from that situation was that I and we collectively, couldn’t be anything like that. We had to push that kind of thinking and action out of our minds, we’re true blue Aussies!

In a mere nanosecond, like some perfect storm, a thought slipped into my head that I couldn’t be like that because these people, who were so close to me, would hate me. I would be cast out and their thoughts about me would exclude me from the group. I would then be left alone in a crazy world I knew nothing about.

I was then snapped back into the present with a larger amount of fear and a decision to never follow in the footsteps of this bloke. The new decision wasn’t about the arrogance, I was now so scared of doing the thing I liked would mean these people hated me.

A lot of time was misspent trying to do the things I liked but kept failing at them. I would push as hard as I could to get it done but it just didn’t work. I guess I had sinned. I had missed the mark. It’s now not about whether I’ll be hated anymore, it’s about enjoying the things I do and hoping I’m a  lighthouse for those still stuck in the same situation I was in.